February 10, 2014
Be willing….

There is this problem of pain within me, this issue of darkness, this struggle with hope, this desire to help, but also an understanding that I mostly just cuss things up.  A self hatred, and a desire to be treasured.  I want to be useful, but believe my efforts are pointless.  

The struggle to hope and believe I have something to offer from within myself, but not on someone else’s terms.  Not “people pleasing” my way to the top and manipulating a system to get power and influence.  Instead, a usefulness that I want to find within my weakness, my darkness.  

I am dark, I am questions, I am faults, I am weak.  

When I see that in others, I marvel at the beauty.  

When I see that in myself, I condemn and hate.  

Why this contradiction?  Why is it easier to look outside myself?  

Aye! Then I see it, my hatred of self pollutes my love!  I value you others because I see you as better then my lowly self!  Even in my humility I find the lacing of pride, of believing myself greater and more powerful then the divine love offered me.  

But then I also look at those around me and judge them in the next breath?

What a contradiction, what a prideful beast I am!

But then with gentleness and grace a voice says, “rest son.  Stop the struggle, just for a moment.  You are wired wonderfully, but the knowledge of “Good and Evil” and the balance of its power will crush you.  Do what I’ve called you too, love.  The weight of your mind and the gears I’ve built to turn in it will constantly make you aware of your weakness, but I don’t need strong hands, just willing hands.”

I look at my hands and speak to them.  “Being willing you tools of hope and destruction.  Be willing, be willing, be willing….”

July 29, 2011

So come on…

July 29, 2011

I need you so much closer…

July 29, 2011

The glove compartment isn’t accurately named….

July 29, 2011

Death cab last night with Ben West. Good stuff!

July 23, 2011

Wait for it…

July 22, 2011

June 22, 2011
What we love

It’s occurring to me more and more that my language and actions are not in harmony with what I say and think I believe.  More importantly the knowledge I have of God doesn’t match up with my behavior in light of said knowledge.  All that to say if I were to use Plato’s “Tripartite” soul as a way of explaining who I am, I wouldn’t be someone who is led by their rational desires, instead I would be an unhealthy mix of mostly appetitve, with some spirited added in once in awhile, and the rational only coming out in my language and not my action, and certainly not in my thought life.

Like Paul what I want to love isn’t what I love, and what I want to do isn’t what I do.  I spend a lot of time lost in making sure people think what I am doing is right.  Or, if I should be doing what I am doing. A lot of that has to come from the fact that I am the youngest in my family, and since I was a little kid I did a lot of following and listening to my brothers.  I have always felt a lot of pressure to do what my brothers, my parents, and my close friends think I should. 

I am also way more influenced by how people respond to me than I am comfortable admitting in most moments.  I mean, this is most likely obvious to all of my friends and family, but to me it’s something I’ve tried really hard to hide.  If I do something on my own, like release a song, or do a show, or share a thought, and I get no response it can sometimes crush me. 

All that to say, I am learning to admit I am insanely human.  But the coolest thing really is this realization that God is o.k. when me being insanely human.  In fact that’s how God made me.  I am not expected to get it right, I am just expected to chase God.  God just wants me to change my approach.  Move from the pursuit of others, other loves, other distractions and run to Him.  Not as a temporary fix, or as something to get me by until I get married, or get that dream job I want, or finally get that recognition I wanted.  God wants me to pursue Him, trust Him, and believe that He is all I need.  And lemme tell you, that sucks.  It means growing up in ways I never thought I could.  It also means frustrating a lot of people around me, and making mistakes.  But it’s all in the journey. 

I would like to think I am a fair, honest, rational, person.  In fact I am realizing I take a lot of pride in my ability to read people, to know human nature and predict what people will do, or what people are thinking.  I do it all the time, and it sucks to admit but I really don’t think much of the people around me.  I’ve allowed the predictability of human nature to limit the possibility of God doing amazing things in peoples lives. 

I mean all you have to do is look at the research, behavioral scientist and researchers know a lot about how our minds work, how we emotionally work, etc…  It’s easy to box people into their behavior and say “that person is this, they will never change.”  However, although that makes life easier to take, and places us in a safe place of being in the “right” that’s not the stance Jesus takes. 

Jesus says at my best I am not a “just” person.  In fact if I am honest with myself I will admit that for ever fault I find in someone else I am guilty of the same.  I am not a disciplined person by any means.  I lack any ability to guide myself consistently to anything but the appetitive aspects of my personality.  I am in fact ruled not by the direction of my so-called “Savior” but instead by the desire of what I believe in the next moment to be the thing that will save me from discomfort. 

My assumptions of justice only magnify my need for Jesus’ justice, love, and reconciliation in my own life. 

Sure I can blame others for the hurt I have caused, and the hurt that has been inflicted upon me.  But the truth is we have all been wronged, and in fact my life in comparison with most people is pretty light on the “deeply wounding” scale.  But that’s the thing we all fail to think of, how the less hurt we feel the bigger a small thing will wound us.  We always fail to see others perspectives and choose instead to judge from our limited view. 

Rather than choosing to believe something and live it out, we blame others for making it harder for us.  Instead of going to Christ first, and immersing ourselves in His truth and love, we read some verses, talk about God, and ignore the parts about how we weren’t built to be the thing that satisfies each other fully, and expect the people around us to be perfect because they claim allegiance to Christ.  That’s bullshit, in fact its the opposite of what Jesus says.  If we are followers of Christ the biggest thing we need to fight against is the pharisee mentality of taking pride in knowledge that isn’t ours to begin with.  We didn’t discover Christ, Christ discovered us, and therefore we are not owners of truth, but recipients of a great gift we have no business receiving.

rather than using the knowledge of Christ as something we take pride in, it should be something that ignites insane thankfulness and humility.  But modern and ancient theologies and philosophies that were started with good intent have led us down roads that have led us away from the heart of Jesus. 

I have a lot more to write, I’ll get to more of it soon…  that’s where my head is right now though.

June 17, 2011
to be myself

So I’m struggling internally with the idea of how to express art that is possibly offensive to some people.  I have a project that I have released two cd’s with but is primarily “worship” or “christian” in genre.  The new music I am writing covers the same theme’s in some way but from a much darker, abrasive place. 

I feel a need to not betray my listeners trust by releasing something so different under the same artistic project, but at the same time feel frustrated with myself that I feel the need to have multiple projects so I don’t offend people.  I’m pretty confused right now from that perspective. 

should an artist be able to have an album that has worship songs on it, songs about relationships, and songs that condemn the church?  should you be able to drop an F bomb in one song, and then see about Jesus’ love in the next?  Should I be writing songs that have God saying “I love you so damn much” and “while you sit on your ass I’ll set things right at last.” 

Kinda searching for the right balance and the right answers.  confused.

June 15, 2011
Just a note

I really get profound enjoyment from swearing…  I mean for real, I love to swear like a sailor, it makes me smile.  This enjoyment however comes into direct conflict with the culture that surrounds me.  I still swear when in the right company so I don’t offend anyone.  Still, trouble awaits me I’m sure.