It’s occurring to me more and more that my language and actions are not in harmony with what I say and think I believe.  More importantly the knowledge I have of God doesn’t match up with my behavior in light of said knowledge.  All that to say if I were to use Plato’s “Tripartite” soul as a way of explaining who I am, I wouldn’t be someone who is led by their rational desires, instead I would be an unhealthy mix of mostly appetitve, with some spirited added in once in awhile, and the rational only coming out in my language and not my action, and certainly not in my thought life.

Like Paul what I want to love isn’t what I love, and what I want to do isn’t what I do.  I spend a lot of time lost in making sure people think what I am doing is right.  Or, if I should be doing what I am doing. A lot of that has to come from the fact that I am the youngest in my family, and since I was a little kid I did a lot of following and listening to my brothers.  I have always felt a lot of pressure to do what my brothers, my parents, and my close friends think I should. 

I am also way more influenced by how people respond to me than I am comfortable admitting in most moments.  I mean, this is most likely obvious to all of my friends and family, but to me it’s something I’ve tried really hard to hide.  If I do something on my own, like release a song, or do a show, or share a thought, and I get no response it can sometimes crush me. 

All that to say, I am learning to admit I am insanely human.  But the coolest thing really is this realization that God is o.k. when me being insanely human.  In fact that’s how God made me.  I am not expected to get it right, I am just expected to chase God.  God just wants me to change my approach.  Move from the pursuit of others, other loves, other distractions and run to Him.  Not as a temporary fix, or as something to get me by until I get married, or get that dream job I want, or finally get that recognition I wanted.  God wants me to pursue Him, trust Him, and believe that He is all I need.  And lemme tell you, that sucks.  It means growing up in ways I never thought I could.  It also means frustrating a lot of people around me, and making mistakes.  But it’s all in the journey. 

I would like to think I am a fair, honest, rational, person.  In fact I am realizing I take a lot of pride in my ability to read people, to know human nature and predict what people will do, or what people are thinking.  I do it all the time, and it sucks to admit but I really don’t think much of the people around me.  I’ve allowed the predictability of human nature to limit the possibility of God doing amazing things in peoples lives. 

I mean all you have to do is look at the research, behavioral scientist and researchers know a lot about how our minds work, how we emotionally work, etc…  It’s easy to box people into their behavior and say “that person is this, they will never change.”  However, although that makes life easier to take, and places us in a safe place of being in the “right” that’s not the stance Jesus takes. 

Jesus says at my best I am not a “just” person.  In fact if I am honest with myself I will admit that for ever fault I find in someone else I am guilty of the same.  I am not a disciplined person by any means.  I lack any ability to guide myself consistently to anything but the appetitive aspects of my personality.  I am in fact ruled not by the direction of my so-called “Savior” but instead by the desire of what I believe in the next moment to be the thing that will save me from discomfort. 

My assumptions of justice only magnify my need for Jesus’ justice, love, and reconciliation in my own life. 

Sure I can blame others for the hurt I have caused, and the hurt that has been inflicted upon me.  But the truth is we have all been wronged, and in fact my life in comparison with most people is pretty light on the “deeply wounding” scale.  But that’s the thing we all fail to think of, how the less hurt we feel the bigger a small thing will wound us.  We always fail to see others perspectives and choose instead to judge from our limited view. 

Rather than choosing to believe something and live it out, we blame others for making it harder for us.  Instead of going to Christ first, and immersing ourselves in His truth and love, we read some verses, talk about God, and ignore the parts about how we weren’t built to be the thing that satisfies each other fully, and expect the people around us to be perfect because they claim allegiance to Christ.  That’s bullshit, in fact its the opposite of what Jesus says.  If we are followers of Christ the biggest thing we need to fight against is the pharisee mentality of taking pride in knowledge that isn’t ours to begin with.  We didn’t discover Christ, Christ discovered us, and therefore we are not owners of truth, but recipients of a great gift we have no business receiving.

rather than using the knowledge of Christ as something we take pride in, it should be something that ignites insane thankfulness and humility.  But modern and ancient theologies and philosophies that were started with good intent have led us down roads that have led us away from the heart of Jesus. 

I have a lot more to write, I’ll get to more of it soon…  that’s where my head is right now though.